Part 2 Choose Your Healing Attitude

Did I ever cry about it?

Sure, a few times like when I was over-tired, or had a particularly bad day that happened also to be the day of one of those awful procedures, (inserting the metal marker, a small metal piece about the size of a bb). I cried that day. There were only a couple other times. I kind of amazed myself. I started observing my reactions. Later when I explained the procedure to a friend I made light of it and said I now had a “bb” in my boob. It felt pretty good to say it that way. It was empowering. I always had small breasts, in school I got teased about wearing my bra backwards. My shoulder blades stuck out farther. When I was skinny I was skinny on top but I always had hips. I guess you could say I’ve been the classic pear shape since I was twelve years old. If you are pear shaped you know that means bottom-heavy, and how it feels to get called thunder thighs. It sucks. Whenever the topic of shape comes up I reply with the fact that pears are a particularly luscious fruit, sweet and juicy. Yeah, you can use that.

So, I posed the question of my dear little peach-sized breasts, “If I have a tumor growing why isn’t my boob getting bigger? I said to friends, “Oh well, I guess its okay because then I’d just be lopsided.” That got a few smiles. Hey, I had been handed one of life’s lemons and I was damn well going to have me some lemonade! Enough about fruit! I decided this about cancer: I don’t want it, I don’t need it, and it has to go!

The Chemo Experience

The first four rounds of chemo were Adriamicin and Cytoxin. Before you get chemo for breast cancer they have this lovely (not) little device they implant into your chest--because the chemo is so caustic they can't put it in your arms. This was the thing I really hated most. Okay that's not funny but there is some funny stuff if you keep reading. I really have to give you a heads up about what I call “electric crotch”—more about that later. Believe it or not, this is funny—at least to me. During my first trip for chemo I was talking to the nurse and said I was optimistic and considered this cancer thing an opportunity to lose sixty pounds. (Yes, I can afford to lose it.) She said I would not be losing any weight and I just might gain some because of the steroids. Oh joy! Not only do I have cancer, now I’m going to get fatter! How is that fair? Top that off with orange pee for a day after treatment. That brings up the absolute need for water; take in as much as you can possibly drink. It will help you feel better more quickly by getting the chemo drugs flushed out of the body. Just a side note, the second set of drugs--chemo treatments number 5 & 6 made my bones ache something awful. Since the cancer was gone I refused the last two treatments. I was feeling like I didn’t want to get poisoned two more times for nothing.

There were some preliminary meds given just before the chemo was administered. One of them was Benadryl to avoid an allergic reaction to the chemo. I guess it affects various people differently. My experience was that I almost immediately felt light headed—woozy. It was like smoking pot, (from what I remember twenty-five or thirty years ago of course). That lasted mere seconds. Next, however briefly, my vision blurred a bit. Actually I just had trouble focusing. Next was the most unexpected response, which lasted several minutes. It was tingling, itchy, almost buzz-y and electric feeling “DOWN THERE”. I could barely control the urge to wriggle in my chair to try to relieve the sensation and make it stop. This is “electric crotch”. Months later, during my follow up radiation one of my best friends was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am so privileged to be able to tell her what to expect and be good moral support and head cheerleader. That is why I decided to write this article to lighten the burden and give some very practical advice.

Does Cancer Hurt?

Was there pain? Oh yes, but not from the cancer. Though it surprised me, that part was painless. It was the procedures that were a bit on the hard side. Still, once they had all the tests done the worst was over, except the procedures before surgery. Of all the stuff that will be done to you these will be the worst—and everybody survives them. I passed with flying colors, not a tear. Just be sure to ask beforehand exactly what will happen and what they will be doing so you aren’t surprised. I think it helps to be mentally prepared. Everybody is different and what really hurts one person may not bother you that much. Just because you have the same disease doesn’t mean your have the same boobs or the same degree of sensation or pain threshold, or reactions to the chemicals either. Oh, one more thing. One day I was eating chips early on in chemo and scratched the roof of my mouth. You have to be careful about mouth sores. Equal amounts of baking soda and salt in warm water for a mouth rinse works quite well. Catch it early.

I’ve got to say up front that I didn’t have a job to work everyday. During chemo I was able to go to bed those couple of days and mostly sleep through the nauseous days. Usually this hit on the third evening after treatment and lasted about two and a half days. I was so fortunate and believe me I am thankful. Since I have my own business (weddings and healing) I was able to schedule work during my good week. Chemo week was what I called the down week; the week after was what I called my up week. I was careful not to say my down week was the “bad” week. Our words affect how we feel and I was trying to be only positive.